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I’m so afraid to BE with myself. I need the world’s offerings to stimulate me because I’ve forgotten how to do that for myself. I’m terrified because I don’t know how long this will last. I hear others asking, when will I be able to return to normal?

Yes. Normal. I want normal again.

Normal?

What IS normal? Is normal rushing to and from places wishing I was home, only to be at home wishing I was someplace else? Is normal zoning out and bingeing on Netflix? Is normal staring at a phone and not noticing other people’s faces standing right beside me?

We’ve been social distancing for years!!!! Life has only answered us and given us what we’ve been asking for. A world made up of only virtual connection and now we’re starving. We’ve finally realized that it’s not enough. And still we ask…when can we return to “normal”?

We’re even trying to re-create normal in our homes, our sanctuaries. We’re trying so hard to bring the outside world in with it’s schedules and demands, keeping up with school and with work.

My heart weeps for those who haven’t bought into the wonders of technology or are from a time when people connected with their eyes rather than tips of their finger. What will they do to connect in this virtual cosmic soup? They were already yearning for our love and attention, and learned to survive on the allotted “care” we eked out of our schedules.

Maybe, for me anyway, it’s time for a new normal. Or actually…an old normal. And ancient normal.

Where we howled at the moon and danced and thrust our arms out wide bumping with abandon into the person standing next to us. Where we spent long long hours staring into a fire, interspersed with slow so very slow stories told by our elders to which we listened intently and with deep reverence. An old old normal where we trusted our own goodness and loved one another and felt what arose in us instead of shutting it out with noise and chaos. An old normal where we felt our fear and cried out loudly in pain, and moaned boldly with orgasm, and wept without shame. An old normal where families spent time together in small rooms and it didn’t occur to them to build she-shacks, men-dens, or basement rec rooms. An old normal where we didn’t need a clock to tell us to move on to the next activity. We moved because we were connected to the inner voice that said, “get up”.

The earth is crying out for this old normal so much so that it has shut us away into our virtual prisons. A virtual world we built so carefully and with such pride. And while we scramble to re-create normal, the earth is healing. I wonder if she’ll welcome us back. Maybe – just maybe – if we let go of fucking normal and allow our hearts to crack open with grief and sorrow at how much we’ve been turning away from one another. The utter relentless truth is that we’ve been social, friend, family, and love distancing for years. This is our opportunity to connect. And to atone.

Maybe.

As many of you know, I’ve been immersing myself in the practice of Self-Inquiry for the past several years. It’s helped me deal with difficult emotions and find new perspectives on issues in my life. I’ve primarily been using a method called The Work of Byron Katie (commonly referred to as The Work).

The Work of Byron Katie is like check mate. It’s one of the most laser like methods of seeing what is really behind our stress and suffering.
AND
It’s not the only way.

I Am Enough Without My Smile

 

My smile is like a shield sometimes.
A shield to compliments, to thank you’s, to appreciation, to truth.

“The greatest thing we can do is help someone know that they’re loved and capable of loving.” Mr Rogers

This speaks to my heart so deeply.
When I’m in one-on-one inquiry or in groups and someone finds forgiveness for themselves or someone else, there’s a look in their eyes of possibility. It’s like I’m witnessing their heart opening. Their eyes relax and I feel a movement closer to complete love – without barriers or conditions. A love that includes everything. Perceived wrong doings and betrayals. Differences. Anger and hurt. Annoying traits. Addictions. EVERYthing.
Cutting ourselves off from love, even in the name of righteousness justification, has the same result. A closing of our hearts.
When we close to one person – even if the whole world agreed we’re right to do it – we close our heart a little to everyone and, of course, to ourselves. That’s just how it works. Closing is closing.

Opening our hearts is freedom. For us.
An open heart can include saying no and expressing pain. This is a relatively new lesson for me.

Closing our hearts to someone doesn’t really do anything to the other person. But it does do something to us. It’s painful and takes so much energy. It’s not our natural state. We have to be holding onto painful stories in order to be closed. Even a little. It takes effort, actually. It’s exhausting.
And you see the effects if you pay attention.
Tight shoulders.
Low energy.
Resentments.
Depression.
Compulsions to drink, smoke, eat, use drugs, over watching Netflix.
Short tempers.
Insecurities.
Stress.

ALL a result of closing our hearts. To others and to ourselves. And to Life or God.

Closing is closing. And opening to RADICAL COMPLETE NO HOLDS BARRED LOVE is freedom.

All hail Mr Rogers who was a pioneer in radical self love.

Healing begins with finding compassion for the person I am today.
I’ve noticed the more compassion I find for whatever I decide is unforgivable about me today almost automatically causes me to have compassion for me in the past. And THAT causes me to have compassion for everyone around me. Automatically and with hardly any effort.

So while understanding the past is the lock, understanding for the present is the key.

 

I have a decision to make. Is that true?

We’ve all had those times in our lives when we’ve been faced with a choice. And in that place, some of us feel the clench of “I don’t know what to do!” Pros/cons lists, research, consequences, ups and downs and so on get employed to assist us.

I’m in that place now. A choice/cross roads is before me. And when I believe I’m in control stress quickly settles in.

A lovely evening on the road.
This is mine and my husband, Adrian’s, second trip to and from Indiana picking up RV trailers to deliver to dealerships here in Alberta.
It’s a LOT of together time, I tell ya. Five days, 14 hrs per day, in the truck. And we’ve done that twice in the last 2 weeks.
I’m so grateful for the Work and self inquiry I’ve done because I can honestly say that I feel closer to Adrian than I have in years!
I don’t think we would’ve survived these trips without it. 
Before The Work of Byron Katie I held all kinds of beliefs about ways in which Adrian should be different. I was blind to my part. I had become shut down and closed off to the sensitive, impassioned soul that is my husband.
With every thought I questioned, my feelings were allowed an opportunity to warm. And in that warm place, I could be vulnerable and lay down my sword of righteousness. Collaboration and connection is now much more available to both of us.
And even when we did have inevitable scratchy moments (I said 14hrs in the truck, remember) we recovered much more quickly. Both able to admit our part.
What an experience. So grateful.