I Deserve Compassion

I had an amazing self facilitation session in the Work yesterday. Quite accidentally on purpose.
I was fresh off an argument with my husband, driving our ride-on lawn tractor, mowing some of our acreage. As I usually do while mowing, I was listening to Katie on my iPod. This time it was “The Work on Relationships”. I’d listened to it before and was being opened up yet again to the courage and discoveries of the young woman with whom Katie was working. So many of her “finds” reminding me of the pain I felt around the disagreement with my husband. After some time, I realized I was using the recording to avoid my own inquiry Work. So…I switched it off and while I mowed, I turned inward.
It seemed to me that I could literally hear Katie’s voice in my head gently guiding and asking me the questions. Muffled by the sound of mower I spoke my answers aloud.
The gist of the situation is that I neglected to thank or even mention that I noticed something my husband had worked hard at doing for me.
My thought: I’m hurt because “He is mad at me”.
At the end, I noticed that with the thought I was entrenched in my defence and justification. Without, I felt the desire to go and apologize. While I contemplated doing so, I felt fear rise up inside of me. But why?! If I don’t have the thought, “he’s mad at me”, where is this fear coming from?
By this time I was sitting, staring straight ahead, on the quiet mower parked inside our shed. And as I sat quietly staring, what appeared was the thought, “I deserve punishment when I do wrong”. Whoa! And then I heard Katie’s voice again: “Is that true? You deserve punishment?”
Something broke open in me and I wept and wept at the realization that – yes!! I believe that it’s true. And a flood of images from my childhood and into my adult years rolled through my mind at how I react when I hold that belief. It’s at the root of so much of my distancing or running away when I feel responsible. And on and on. I was overcome and sat there clearing years of hurt and suffering.
Who am I without the thought? Someone who can own up to her mistakes. Be forthright. Not manipulative.
And the sweetest turn around: I deserve compassion when I do wrong.
Love. Simple as that. And I am the one to give me that compassion.
How exciting is that?!
It’s a new day.

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